10 Types of Shitty Coworkers and How to Not Murder them

Working can be a literal pain in the ass – unless you work alone in your house and have no one to deal with other than dog poop and a 15,000 foot pile of corroded-smelling laundry. But I mean hey, that could be a literal pain in the ass, too. But in all seriousness, we must work to make money and survive, and in order to make money, you have to do things for other people; even if it makes you want to bang your head into the wall.

There’s nothing more magical than being stuck in a small space filled with just about every kind of un-amusing damn person you could ever meet, and by amusing, I really just mean a bunch of down right ankle-biting Chihuahuas.

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  1. The Nutritionist

“Oh my God I so thought that this fiber bar would actually make me lose weight like it advertised but it seems it just makes me want to eat more of them and like I swear I’ve gained one and two quarters of a pound over night and I cant help it but think about all the stress and work this is going to put me through and I couldn’t even sleep last night because I was thinking about it so much and don’t you ever put one of these things down your throat I’m warning you. Okay I’m going to the gym do you want to come???”
This includes but is not limited to: the condescending vegan, the vegan who is nice but silently judges, the woman who is always on a diet, the other woman who is always on a diet, the two women who are always on diets talking about their diets, the dude who keeps a crockpot of shoprite meatballs simmering at his desk at all times and shorts out your space heater and makes fun of you for eating carrots because “carrots are for pussies,” and the lady who side-eyes you when you eat a second stress-cupcake because you can’t deal with all the fucking side-eye.
How to Deal:
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2. The Comedian

Hey, remember that thing that someone said in a movie one time? Wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…wait for iiiiiiit…waaaaaaait…wait for iiiiiiiiiiiit..”
This person will literally have you in tears, of blood. Because their shit is not funny, like – at all. For Gods sake why do you keep saying wait for it, what is this shit, charades?
How to Deal:
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3. The Candyman

Let’s face it, when you first started working, you loved the candyman. This was up to the point until you realized that you were eating a shit ton of sugar all day to the point of uncontrollable nausea. Not to mention the candyman’s unique trait of being hyper twenty-four-fucking-seven on a new level, possibly surpassing a crackhead that you want to throw off a ten story balcony after the first twenty-eight minutes into your daily struggle with all of the others that you’re stuck with.
Like, what positive effect is a fun-size Three Musketeers going to have on your life. Honestly. Plus, that candy’s not free! The lady with the candy bowl on her desk acts like it’s free, but the price is that you have to have a conversation with her every time you want some candy. And then sometimes you get there and the candy is GONE—just when you got accustomed to having candy on demand whenever you finish with a shithead customer
How to Deal:
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4. The Poop-Shamer

If we see each other in the bathroom, don’t avert your goddamn eyes like I’m some scorned unlawful citizen who’s going to taint you for life just by crossing your path in the dirty room. Look at me,It’s okay! We’re grownups, and poop comes out of us! Just because you have paralyzing poop-shame doesn’t mean you get to take me down with you. I am a proud, powerful being and my poops are an extension of my being that I celebrate, even the bad ones. So look at me, weirdo.
How to Deal:
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5. The Lingerer

If you have nothing work-related to say to me, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DESK. We are not talking about your holiday. We are not talking about flax seed. We are not talking about paleo diets. We are not talking about your kid’s grades. We are not talking about affirmative action. We are not talking about your dreadful relatives. Yes, I have heard about that thing where all the bees are disappearing. Yes, I have read that “crazy” old woman throwing a tantrum on the bus. Yes, I have heard about how you’re “afraid of clowns.” Dude, we sat in for lunch together one time. I am not eating a fucking Cup-O-Noodle with you.
How to Deal:
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6. The Space-Invader

If you don’t step back at least one mile away from me I am going to throw your entire life successes into the shredder machine.
How to Deal:
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7. The Pick-Up Celebrity

This guy banged  a lot of chicks last night, like he might still even smell like the majority of their bedsheets, watch out for this one.
How to Deal:
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8. The Cheapskate

If Bill’s dad dies and we all “chip in” for flowers, you need to fucking CHIP IN FOR THE FLOWERS. That doesn’t mean two dollars and a tub of ice cream receipt with a Nyquil instruction package on the back—it means, like, ten dollars. Minimum. An ordinary amount of dollars. Also, pay me back for your goddamn sandwich order, you barbarian. I’m not your mom. (Also, I will keep that tub of ice cream, thank you.)
How to Deal:
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9. The Lazy One

“Hey can you go get the pile of paperwork I just printed out for me? Can you fetch me a pen? Can you go get Tim to sign this form off for this customer? Can you help me pick up this printer and move it to the other desk?”
How about can you get your ass out of your chair, and walk straight out the door into oncoming traffic, or at least try to lose weight and do shit yourself.
How to Deal:
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10. The General Shithead.

Comes in late, leaves early, makes loud personal calls, always has like 50 different things going on in their life which you must know about, steals other people’s yogurt out of the communal refrigerator, lets their own moldy garbage food fill up the communal refrigerator, pounces on all the best vacation days, always has a “stomach ache,” always has a worse stomach ache than you when you actually do have a stomach ache, pops their gum, paints their fucking goddamn nails at their fucking goddamn desk, talks to you.
How to Deal:
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